Wouldn't life be full of Dr. Suess wonder if you could major in something so entirely close to the truth in what you do time and time again? Seriously, I've known about my projects since the beginning of the quarter and i'm just NOW declaring a topic when the rough draft is due in 3 weeks!! aughhh!! pulling out my hair and I am committed to God in my life, so that comes before this tonight at 6:30. I just started going to Celebrate and it is a great time. Hopefully Kayla will be there! I just finished reading this really good book called "Portal" by Imogen Rose. The main character is named Arizona Stevens. She wakes up and is with her mom and everything is different. She lives in California now when she had just gone to sleep in Princeton and was with her estranged mom Olivia instead of her father Dillard. They pull up to a house and it is a mansion. A man greets them as they drive up and her little sister calls him dad. That's not her dad! His name is Rupert. Who is this person? In this new "life", her name is Arizona Darley and she is confused. Maybe it's just a funny dream. She goes to sleep that night hoping to wake up back in her bed. When she awakes, she heads over to her OWN bathroom-SWEET!! only to discover her hair is "barbie blonde", not brown as it was in Princeton and many other strange discoveries. If you have a NookColor, you don't want to miss this!
It is 0.99 on the barnesandnoble.com website as well as amazon for the kindle and paperback!! It is really addicting and I couldn't resist buying the 2nd book after reading it "Equilibrium". It's an insanely easy read, but you can't stop once you start. I did the lendme function on this. Some very awesome person on a yahoo group lent me the book to read. After 14 days, it goes back into their library automatically, so I had some time restrictions!!
Well, homework is NOW after I get my hair brushed through and decide what to wear. :P
girls, right!?
love love love
ld
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Social Networking is A Puke!!
Well, I disappeared from facebook. Indeed, I did. Not to spite anyone, but to regain my strength in life without social networking. I am not trying to hide away and become a hermit, though it could be perceived as such. I want to continue more days with friends in person, not talking through some virtual coding back and forth. Yes, it's communication and it's better than nothing, but I have not really gained many friends. I have lost a few based on my views and opinions based solely on what I had said through messages on facebook, commenting on walls, profile pictures. In retrospect, it was never really worth it. I don't regret the experience, but many comments could be misconstrued as indifference, anger, or outright "DICK MOVE"...anything other than what was intended. Many times, that did happen.
I missed it the first couple of weeks, but there's so much drama involved looking at it now. I will most likely never return. If you don't join FARMVILLE, YOVILLE, or VIRTUALPETATHON, "OMG you're missing out!!"
Missing out on friends, family, one on one conversations, planning for my future, my education? That's a small price to pay to some.
Sitting on facebook talking about our frustrations is not what God would have wanted. We have become gluttons in many aspects. I will no longer ride that train to nowhere.
I honor the socialities of media that can use it, not abuse it. Therein lies the difference.
Still though, does EVERYONE need to know every facet of your life from one moment to the next?
The end.
I missed it the first couple of weeks, but there's so much drama involved looking at it now. I will most likely never return. If you don't join FARMVILLE, YOVILLE, or VIRTUALPETATHON, "OMG you're missing out!!"
Missing out on friends, family, one on one conversations, planning for my future, my education? That's a small price to pay to some.
Sitting on facebook talking about our frustrations is not what God would have wanted. We have become gluttons in many aspects. I will no longer ride that train to nowhere.
I honor the socialities of media that can use it, not abuse it. Therein lies the difference.
Still though, does EVERYONE need to know every facet of your life from one moment to the next?
The end.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
SNOW: an Understatement.
Today was so unbelievably exciting. I sat around at home really contemplating the next few years of my life and started to think "wow, I'm not getting any younger so I better do something about it".
Too often, people give up their dreams (almost everything it seems), to work around their life as it is. That contents them. It's a safe route and you will have a roof over your head and warmth, but what does it really matter? There's such impermanence in life? Do you really want to spend it ruminating about what could have been versus what is to come and what will happen because YOU FOLLOWED THROUGH with your dreams?
Today I also decided it is time to leave it behind. My whole being feels like it's suffocated. Simply put, I cannot keep lying to myself that everything will be fine here and I'll live happily ever after with some endearing fairy tale ending. The truth is, I have not struggled enough. When I lived in Los Angeles in 2008 through 2009, I never paid but one month of rent. I will be honest. I spent much of my time with my boyfriend at the time or looking for a job when we broke up. Right as all that change (impermanence!) was happening, I met a friend from high school so I moved back. He was my only reason at the time. I am happy that I did. I cherish Andy my current boyfriend a lot more now. However, this is where the conflict begins. He out right refuses to move to a foreign place, so I am not sure what to do. I am saddened as to what that obviously will entail if nothing works itself out as far as compromising goes in my mind nor his in the next couple of months. It will be one year next month, but what is time? I still sometimes feel I barely know him, yet I consider him my best friend.. We cross over the same conversations time and time again due to my frequent re-evaluations, and that upsets him. I am stern and try to kindly demand that we talk and he always says "no, I do not feel like talking about this...AGAIN."
*pout*
It's almost like there is nothing left to say. Hopefully the next few months will heed much needed clarity. God willing.
Heaven knows everyone needs him. Please pray over us and surround us with your presence over the next few months. Let me feel less alone. Also, help my family and friends see it for what it is. I am not sure when life took precedents over my dreams. I assure you it won't be happening much longer after this quarter ends in February.
I'm off to read the rest of my humanities and composition readings. Pray that I find focus right now. The internet keeps luring me back.
<3, little girl
Too often, people give up their dreams (almost everything it seems), to work around their life as it is. That contents them. It's a safe route and you will have a roof over your head and warmth, but what does it really matter? There's such impermanence in life? Do you really want to spend it ruminating about what could have been versus what is to come and what will happen because YOU FOLLOWED THROUGH with your dreams?
Today I also decided it is time to leave it behind. My whole being feels like it's suffocated. Simply put, I cannot keep lying to myself that everything will be fine here and I'll live happily ever after with some endearing fairy tale ending. The truth is, I have not struggled enough. When I lived in Los Angeles in 2008 through 2009, I never paid but one month of rent. I will be honest. I spent much of my time with my boyfriend at the time or looking for a job when we broke up. Right as all that change (impermanence!) was happening, I met a friend from high school so I moved back. He was my only reason at the time. I am happy that I did. I cherish Andy my current boyfriend a lot more now. However, this is where the conflict begins. He out right refuses to move to a foreign place, so I am not sure what to do. I am saddened as to what that obviously will entail if nothing works itself out as far as compromising goes in my mind nor his in the next couple of months. It will be one year next month, but what is time? I still sometimes feel I barely know him, yet I consider him my best friend.. We cross over the same conversations time and time again due to my frequent re-evaluations, and that upsets him. I am stern and try to kindly demand that we talk and he always says "no, I do not feel like talking about this...AGAIN."
*pout*
It's almost like there is nothing left to say. Hopefully the next few months will heed much needed clarity. God willing.
Heaven knows everyone needs him. Please pray over us and surround us with your presence over the next few months. Let me feel less alone. Also, help my family and friends see it for what it is. I am not sure when life took precedents over my dreams. I assure you it won't be happening much longer after this quarter ends in February.
I'm off to read the rest of my humanities and composition readings. Pray that I find focus right now. The internet keeps luring me back.
<3, little girl
Friday, December 3, 2010
Week
Another blog. I think Andrea is too busy to blog, so I am just taking over.
Well, good things are happening. I got interviewed for a position at the Hy-Vee on Kiwanis Avenue in Sioux Falls. My boyfriend got a really good interview with the Store Director which is a pretty big deal. His interview lasted a really long time. Mine was about 15 minutes. I am not sure how well I did. I had a very bad migraine and could not think of the words to say. I struggle with fluent conversation from time to time. Words evade me. There's more to life than being so basic and staccato in word and thought. Legato is much more respectable.
So Andy is deciding over this weekend and going to just take it easy and have his decision by Monday. I wonder what he will decide.
Right now, he is just a full-time employee. If he got the position, he would be pretty high up at the store. I am not sure how he feels about it and which way he is leaning moreso towards. I support him no matter what he decides though. If he takes it, I am worried about what it will do to our relationship and how hard it will be to work out both of our schedules around his potential 11+ hour shifts per day. On the other, if he doesn't, then it will just be the same and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I personally think it would be a good challenge for him. He is getting into his late 20's now and I think it's time for him to start thinking about his career and what he would like to do for the rest of his life. His hopes, aspirations and how everything ties into that. I am not there yet, but I hope I get there sooner than later. I am starting to become very restless.
I read a book and will be spacing off for about 5 pages before I realize I have no idea what was just read. The same with homework. It's like my mind is always thinking about what it would rather be doing or could be doing. My aspiration is music. If I am to stay within the mold, I guess I want to climb the corporate ladder and be some kind of leader. My friends right now reading this or co-workers will be laughing. Do I look like any sort of a leader? No way! Can I work on it? I hope so. One of my biggest problems is confusing others' assertion for douchebaggery. I fume about things such as that and why the sight of my guitars sear my eyes when I walk into my room. This is the life I chose whether or not I like it.
There's no outlet to unsnapping the case to my guitars. It's always the same old worn out songs I always play and if they tire me out, what would an audience think at an open mic night?
I really need people in my life that will appreciate what I'm doing...namely Kayla Johnson, my friend...so if you're reading this, let's set a date to jam. I think if I had someone to share this with, it'd be a lot less tedious and my tenacity for the new would block out the old self-defeatist attitude I've grown so accustomed to. Gordman's and the liberal Humanities and Comp classes I am taking are the only things that keep me going enough to make me feel like a productive person. If nothing at all, it keeps my mind busy so I don't think so much about my own miniscule personal issues which I don't have many of and tend to magnetize to absurd extremes. In my past, it's gotten so bad that no one even wanted to be around me. Some stuck by my side. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be here. I mean that quite literally.
Well, good things are happening. I got interviewed for a position at the Hy-Vee on Kiwanis Avenue in Sioux Falls. My boyfriend got a really good interview with the Store Director which is a pretty big deal. His interview lasted a really long time. Mine was about 15 minutes. I am not sure how well I did. I had a very bad migraine and could not think of the words to say. I struggle with fluent conversation from time to time. Words evade me. There's more to life than being so basic and staccato in word and thought. Legato is much more respectable.
So Andy is deciding over this weekend and going to just take it easy and have his decision by Monday. I wonder what he will decide.
Right now, he is just a full-time employee. If he got the position, he would be pretty high up at the store. I am not sure how he feels about it and which way he is leaning moreso towards. I support him no matter what he decides though. If he takes it, I am worried about what it will do to our relationship and how hard it will be to work out both of our schedules around his potential 11+ hour shifts per day. On the other, if he doesn't, then it will just be the same and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I personally think it would be a good challenge for him. He is getting into his late 20's now and I think it's time for him to start thinking about his career and what he would like to do for the rest of his life. His hopes, aspirations and how everything ties into that. I am not there yet, but I hope I get there sooner than later. I am starting to become very restless.
I read a book and will be spacing off for about 5 pages before I realize I have no idea what was just read. The same with homework. It's like my mind is always thinking about what it would rather be doing or could be doing. My aspiration is music. If I am to stay within the mold, I guess I want to climb the corporate ladder and be some kind of leader. My friends right now reading this or co-workers will be laughing. Do I look like any sort of a leader? No way! Can I work on it? I hope so. One of my biggest problems is confusing others' assertion for douchebaggery. I fume about things such as that and why the sight of my guitars sear my eyes when I walk into my room. This is the life I chose whether or not I like it.
There's no outlet to unsnapping the case to my guitars. It's always the same old worn out songs I always play and if they tire me out, what would an audience think at an open mic night?
I really need people in my life that will appreciate what I'm doing...namely Kayla Johnson, my friend...so if you're reading this, let's set a date to jam. I think if I had someone to share this with, it'd be a lot less tedious and my tenacity for the new would block out the old self-defeatist attitude I've grown so accustomed to. Gordman's and the liberal Humanities and Comp classes I am taking are the only things that keep me going enough to make me feel like a productive person. If nothing at all, it keeps my mind busy so I don't think so much about my own miniscule personal issues which I don't have many of and tend to magnetize to absurd extremes. In my past, it's gotten so bad that no one even wanted to be around me. Some stuck by my side. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be here. I mean that quite literally.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Something Unexpected.
That is the slogan of my new employer, Gordman's. I had so much fun getting to know my co-workers tonight. I worked 4 hours and trained on the register. I think it will be a new fun experience for me.
There were two UPCs on the products (one for the universal price bracket and then Gordman's prices) and it was driving me nuts for awhile, but then I got the hang of it. Before you start ANY transaction, you have to hit NEW TRANSACTION and ask for the guest's phone number. I figure I made $25 tonight after taxes are considered. I saw this really cute white tiger pleather snap wallet that I couldn't resist though and spent money on that. It was only $8.50 with my discount. I already think it's begun...the whole me spending my pay check AT Gordman's the minute I get it. I am supposed to get a debit card that will load my paycheck on every two weeks. I work at Gordman's 7-3 during Black Friday and it will only be my 3rd shift. That is when our Door Buster sale goes on. We have 85% from 9am-1pm and from 5am-9am, we have 25% off whatever fits in a bag but is only available to the 1st 500 customers while supplies last. Halfway through my shift, I saw Susan, my Mary Kay director. I miss her. She hugged me and said they were headed down to Nebraska over Thanksgiving. More people need to be like that woman. Not many are that open and sweet.
Before my shift, I hung out with Andrea and watched this really HILARIOUS movie with Jennifer Lopez and this hot actor dude. It was called "The Back Up Plan". It's about this woman who has not done very well with relationships so decides to get artificially inseminated by a sperm donor. She goes in for one treatment and the minute she leaves the doctor's office, she hails a cab at the exact time this other guy does. It is pretty predictable that they'll fall in love, but then she finds out that she's pregnant with the donor's baby. They go to the doctor together and she finds out she's having twins. HILARIOUS! She even has this support group for donor recipient ladies and she gets to watch this lady have a home water birth. While the woman is in labor, she keeps screaming "ZOE (JLO'S CHARACTER) DONT MOVE! YOU'RE MY FOCAL POINT!!!"
Prior to that I woke up around 8 am and just crept on facebook for a few minutes. Then Andrea got home from work (she works overnights) and we talked for awhile about our diet. She stopped doing hers because she was getting too hungry. Honestly, that didn't hit me until tonight right after work. I feel like snacking, so maybe I'll just go to bed. Tomorrow marks the LAST DAY of the 4 days of torture. Okay, it wasn't so bad for me until just now, but then again, I might just be getting my period soon. You know how they say roommates and girls that live together usually end up having their periods at the same time? That happened for about the first month I was here with Andrea and now we are opposite. She will get hers 2 weeks before/after me. The human body is so strange sometimes. I read a book that if you can watch the moon, your menstrual cycle follows the pattern of the moon. You are just supposed to see what phase the moon is in and it will give you a good indication of when your period is due each month. The moon's waxing, waning, and full cycle in basically the same pattern every month. Andrea talked to her brother Nathan and he said what we ate was basically starving us. We ate 830 calories but it was good food, not junk. I don't believe him though that is what he does for a living in Virginia. I think one with a sedentary lifestyle should NOT be consuming 2000 calories a day. That's basic. For someone trying to maintain a healthy weight, 1500 would be right. But exceeding 2000 calories a day would be for people with moderate to high activity levels. The metabolic rate can only break down so much per day. At least that's what I was taught.
The steak tonight was delicious. It was very rare the way I cooked it. I cannot stand well-cooked steak. I also learned that rare meat is a lot more easy for your body to digest, so that's good. Tomorrow I work from 10-2 at Gordman's then have to shoot right over to Hy-Vee from 3-10. I am going to be exhausted, yet excited because I will get to meet even more new people and who can beat that?
I'm going to keep a positive attitude no matter what comes my way from now on. What does stressing out accomplish?
I had to register for classes for the winter quarter at school yesterday. I was pretty hesitant, but luckily, no online classes this time. I will be attending class Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings for a Composition class and Intro to Humanities. Andy says they are really easy A's and he passed with flying colors.
After work tonight, I called up Andy because I had missed a call from him. He was watching a movie. I asked if I could come over for a bit, but then I realized how tired I was getting and didn't really feel like waking up at 6 am to come all the way back here to get my hy-vee clothes and my lunch, breakfast, and dinner all set for tomorrow. I am really excited for Thanksgiving. I work 10-7, but Andy said that he would leave left overs and we could drink some champagne. I will probably be good with that after this week's done. :)
Tomorrow I get to drink prune juice, green beans, squash, an apple, hamburger patty, tomatoes, and celery.
Someone just knocked violently on the front door. We have no eye peeker through the door so there is NO way i'm answering that. It's sort of annoying sometimes though. I hope it wasn't important. It was a dude whose voice I did not recognize. I think he meant to go to the neighbor's, but i'm not taking my chances. I jumped but ignored him. I mean it IS after 10 and I don't know what's going on!!
Well, off to bed. All I'll do is rummage through the cupboards and fridge if i stay up any longer.
Keep it real!!
-Lindsey
There were two UPCs on the products (one for the universal price bracket and then Gordman's prices) and it was driving me nuts for awhile, but then I got the hang of it. Before you start ANY transaction, you have to hit NEW TRANSACTION and ask for the guest's phone number. I figure I made $25 tonight after taxes are considered. I saw this really cute white tiger pleather snap wallet that I couldn't resist though and spent money on that. It was only $8.50 with my discount. I already think it's begun...the whole me spending my pay check AT Gordman's the minute I get it. I am supposed to get a debit card that will load my paycheck on every two weeks. I work at Gordman's 7-3 during Black Friday and it will only be my 3rd shift. That is when our Door Buster sale goes on. We have 85% from 9am-1pm and from 5am-9am, we have 25% off whatever fits in a bag but is only available to the 1st 500 customers while supplies last. Halfway through my shift, I saw Susan, my Mary Kay director. I miss her. She hugged me and said they were headed down to Nebraska over Thanksgiving. More people need to be like that woman. Not many are that open and sweet.
Before my shift, I hung out with Andrea and watched this really HILARIOUS movie with Jennifer Lopez and this hot actor dude. It was called "The Back Up Plan". It's about this woman who has not done very well with relationships so decides to get artificially inseminated by a sperm donor. She goes in for one treatment and the minute she leaves the doctor's office, she hails a cab at the exact time this other guy does. It is pretty predictable that they'll fall in love, but then she finds out that she's pregnant with the donor's baby. They go to the doctor together and she finds out she's having twins. HILARIOUS! She even has this support group for donor recipient ladies and she gets to watch this lady have a home water birth. While the woman is in labor, she keeps screaming "ZOE (JLO'S CHARACTER) DONT MOVE! YOU'RE MY FOCAL POINT!!!"
Prior to that I woke up around 8 am and just crept on facebook for a few minutes. Then Andrea got home from work (she works overnights) and we talked for awhile about our diet. She stopped doing hers because she was getting too hungry. Honestly, that didn't hit me until tonight right after work. I feel like snacking, so maybe I'll just go to bed. Tomorrow marks the LAST DAY of the 4 days of torture. Okay, it wasn't so bad for me until just now, but then again, I might just be getting my period soon. You know how they say roommates and girls that live together usually end up having their periods at the same time? That happened for about the first month I was here with Andrea and now we are opposite. She will get hers 2 weeks before/after me. The human body is so strange sometimes. I read a book that if you can watch the moon, your menstrual cycle follows the pattern of the moon. You are just supposed to see what phase the moon is in and it will give you a good indication of when your period is due each month. The moon's waxing, waning, and full cycle in basically the same pattern every month. Andrea talked to her brother Nathan and he said what we ate was basically starving us. We ate 830 calories but it was good food, not junk. I don't believe him though that is what he does for a living in Virginia. I think one with a sedentary lifestyle should NOT be consuming 2000 calories a day. That's basic. For someone trying to maintain a healthy weight, 1500 would be right. But exceeding 2000 calories a day would be for people with moderate to high activity levels. The metabolic rate can only break down so much per day. At least that's what I was taught.
The steak tonight was delicious. It was very rare the way I cooked it. I cannot stand well-cooked steak. I also learned that rare meat is a lot more easy for your body to digest, so that's good. Tomorrow I work from 10-2 at Gordman's then have to shoot right over to Hy-Vee from 3-10. I am going to be exhausted, yet excited because I will get to meet even more new people and who can beat that?
I'm going to keep a positive attitude no matter what comes my way from now on. What does stressing out accomplish?
I had to register for classes for the winter quarter at school yesterday. I was pretty hesitant, but luckily, no online classes this time. I will be attending class Tuesday nights and Wednesday mornings for a Composition class and Intro to Humanities. Andy says they are really easy A's and he passed with flying colors.
After work tonight, I called up Andy because I had missed a call from him. He was watching a movie. I asked if I could come over for a bit, but then I realized how tired I was getting and didn't really feel like waking up at 6 am to come all the way back here to get my hy-vee clothes and my lunch, breakfast, and dinner all set for tomorrow. I am really excited for Thanksgiving. I work 10-7, but Andy said that he would leave left overs and we could drink some champagne. I will probably be good with that after this week's done. :)
Tomorrow I get to drink prune juice, green beans, squash, an apple, hamburger patty, tomatoes, and celery.
Someone just knocked violently on the front door. We have no eye peeker through the door so there is NO way i'm answering that. It's sort of annoying sometimes though. I hope it wasn't important. It was a dude whose voice I did not recognize. I think he meant to go to the neighbor's, but i'm not taking my chances. I jumped but ignored him. I mean it IS after 10 and I don't know what's going on!!
Well, off to bed. All I'll do is rummage through the cupboards and fridge if i stay up any longer.
Keep it real!!
-Lindsey
Monday, November 22, 2010
Grapefruit
well well well. I am impressed. So far, it's been a pretty good plan. I feel great and do not feel like I'm starving to death. Normally, I'm not the type to expel information about bowel movements, but I am going to do so. Andrea bought this detox tea at the Co-Op that I have been drinking too. It includes burdock root, dandelion root, and some other roots I forgot about. The name of it is Bija Deep Cleanse. These ingredients are used to treat sore throats in traditional Chinese teas and they as an overall population have decent longevity, so I believe it will be beneficial to say the least long-term. The tea is actually really sweet naturally though unsweetened. I enjoy drinking it through out the day. It is organic (of course) and can be ordered at http://www.florahealth.com to those who live out in the boonies or do not have access to the tea otherwise.
Anyway, this morning I got up and my tummy was grumbling QUITE angrily. It wasn't "OH NO, if I don't go NOW, I'm DONE!" Rather, it was a gentle urge. I could not believe how CLEAN it was. This is rather disturbing to those of you with a sensitive stomach (but read "Everybody Poops" and you'll be just fine, champ!), but I usually do not get everything OUT in one movement. It takes over the course of a few days to be rid of it. Not lately, but it really depends on what I have ate over the previous days. This morning I plugged the toilet. Bad. Firstly, I do not have a key to get back in my boyfriend's apartment to go buy a plunger since they do not have one. This poses a problem. Second, it looks like Jack Frost had a party outside and things got a little out of hand last night. And thirdly, I would have been too distracted to blog. :P
I have been good about going to Inspired Chiropractic, a holistic way to treat my chronic moodiness, back aches, foot pain, neck pain, and overall depression. Last year this time, you would NOT have wanted to even remotely been around me. I was a mess. Everything felt like it was falling apart. In June 2009, I moved back from California in my attempt to become a famous...almost famous singer/actress. The problem was that I didn't have a plan upon my arrival there in February of 2008. After a year and a half of increasing debt and being declined any sort of assistance from the Los Angeles assistance office because they could not understand that I did not get ONLY 2 paychecks, but a multitude over the course of a month being a Background Actress, I knew it was my queue to leave. Rent was $1400 collectively between my roommate and I. That does not include food, heat, electricity, and I was lucky to get hired for a role every week or two at $8/hour. Andrea had similar experiences (though different dreams) in Chicago. Perhaps she can elaborate on that later. Before my departure from LA, I started talking to a acquaintance I had met in high school. We quickly became very close and had long conversations on MSN chat. He made me laugh like no one had before. I fell so hard for him even before I met him to hang out. DO NOT EVER DO THAT IF YOU ARE SMART! If my current boyfriend Andy is reading this, he will despise this next passage, but I am not going to hold anything back. I was in LOVE with this guy and had a massive crush on him when we went to school together. So much so, I never uttered but a few words to him on an open lunch to Taco Bell with our mutual friends one day.
Things were fine until I told him about my suicide attempt in 2007 via phone call. Everything went down hill after that in a matter of a week give or take. Don't think for a minute that I would want this old life back (especially, you, Andy, if you're reading this), because any person who would put up a front like that is not worthy of my time. I was real and raw cut and I think he felt inferior in some way that I cannot explain. My only suggestion is because one of his best friends had pulled a trigger on himself only months before. I'm not here to play "what if", but that is how my mind was last year. I would sit for hours wondering "What the hell is wrong with me?" I resorted to pharmaceutical drugs such as Seraquil because the free clinic downtown said I "portrayed the essence of one with bipolar disorder". They were very very wrong. Upon closer research by a mental health professional, I actually am more borderline and histrionic than anything else. The difference between the two is bipolar is months of ups and downs. Borderline is second to second ups and downs. I do not know what my mood will be in 2 seconds. Okay, 2 seconds passed. I am thinking about how bad I did on my final, but I still passed my A+ certification class with a "C" and am quite sad. Now I'm thinking about the potential I have as an individual despite my flaws and feel a little better, but where is that outlet? Perhaps I am too hard on myself.
When I was on the Seraquil, I blacked out for periods at a time and remember going to work not remembering how to count money, colors were INSANELY vivid, and all while I felt like I just wanted to pass out, cry, or hit someone. It took me 30 minutes to find my keys one day to go to work (I was an hour late). I also berated my closest friend at the time, Ellie. I found out later that I told her " don't ****ing call my house to snitch to my parents about my meds!" She still doesn't buy it. No one does. It ruined that period of my life for me. Everyone around me was so worried that I was going to do something. In December of 2009, I tried to roll my car. I left work early in a fit of tears. Not only had he broken up with me, but he had invited me out to his aunt's house while she was on vacation. I slept over that night and he claims he was too "looped out on allergy meds" to remember and quickly regretted that rendevous. People think it was just about that. It was a major factor, but it wasn't only that. It was about the whole succession of events leading from the move back to LA, the stress from getting my heart torn into pieces by a guy I would have done anything for. The only plan was death.
I called and texted everyone I knew and said my farewells. I had over 15 missed calls and about 30 texts from people asking what I meant. Some came later, of course. I did not roll my car. Instead, I drove it off a road and landed near a cornfield in a snowbank just past Harrisburg. Many people stopped to ask if I was alright and if I needed someone to call AAA. I sat there for a long period of time bawling and shaking. Then the call came from Andy, my love. He was the only one call I answered. Everyone else was just static (you mean the world to me now). He had proven his loyalty over the past few months. He was and IS still my best friend and great love.
Andy and Matt, his brother, came and waited with me until the tow truck arrived. I made Andy cry and he said never to do anything so stupid again. So far so good.
Then another thing happened. EXACTLY a week later...no more, no less...one of my co-workers was killed in a car accident. She was really sweet and I feel like I placed a bad omen over something. As to what, I do not know. I hate to sleep alone at night. I have to have blankets over my head to keep out shadows. I feel like a child.
I guess the point of this whole story is that these were all the major stressors from that point on. A lot of toxins have entered by body and I believe pharmaceuticals for depression are just fluff. It takes a chiropractor to adjust your body to its proper curvature to release choked nerve function. That is why we get depressed in the first place. The aches in our bodies scream out when we don't take care of it.
That is why it is SO important for me to eat healthy and become buddies with my Chiropractor, Dr. Ben Rall and his staff: Kim, Melissa and formerly, Angela, who I plan to meet with shortly to hang out with. I am not sure where my future is headed.
Other than that, I am looking forward to the cantaloupe for lunch and the chicken with tomatoes for dinner. I have an hour to get ready for class.
I am not sure if this story made any sense, but feel free to ask questions on here or facebook. If you are going through/went through the same thing, you are not alone. You are never alone. It took all of my focus to write this, but it's finally out.
Don't type anything if you have anything negative to say. I really worked hard to be where I am at this moment. I love my life now. I am finally basking in the moment.
-Lindsey Dickey
Anyway, this morning I got up and my tummy was grumbling QUITE angrily. It wasn't "OH NO, if I don't go NOW, I'm DONE!" Rather, it was a gentle urge. I could not believe how CLEAN it was. This is rather disturbing to those of you with a sensitive stomach (but read "Everybody Poops" and you'll be just fine, champ!), but I usually do not get everything OUT in one movement. It takes over the course of a few days to be rid of it. Not lately, but it really depends on what I have ate over the previous days. This morning I plugged the toilet. Bad. Firstly, I do not have a key to get back in my boyfriend's apartment to go buy a plunger since they do not have one. This poses a problem. Second, it looks like Jack Frost had a party outside and things got a little out of hand last night. And thirdly, I would have been too distracted to blog. :P
I have been good about going to Inspired Chiropractic, a holistic way to treat my chronic moodiness, back aches, foot pain, neck pain, and overall depression. Last year this time, you would NOT have wanted to even remotely been around me. I was a mess. Everything felt like it was falling apart. In June 2009, I moved back from California in my attempt to become a famous...almost famous singer/actress. The problem was that I didn't have a plan upon my arrival there in February of 2008. After a year and a half of increasing debt and being declined any sort of assistance from the Los Angeles assistance office because they could not understand that I did not get ONLY 2 paychecks, but a multitude over the course of a month being a Background Actress, I knew it was my queue to leave. Rent was $1400 collectively between my roommate and I. That does not include food, heat, electricity, and I was lucky to get hired for a role every week or two at $8/hour. Andrea had similar experiences (though different dreams) in Chicago. Perhaps she can elaborate on that later. Before my departure from LA, I started talking to a acquaintance I had met in high school. We quickly became very close and had long conversations on MSN chat. He made me laugh like no one had before. I fell so hard for him even before I met him to hang out. DO NOT EVER DO THAT IF YOU ARE SMART! If my current boyfriend Andy is reading this, he will despise this next passage, but I am not going to hold anything back. I was in LOVE with this guy and had a massive crush on him when we went to school together. So much so, I never uttered but a few words to him on an open lunch to Taco Bell with our mutual friends one day.
Things were fine until I told him about my suicide attempt in 2007 via phone call. Everything went down hill after that in a matter of a week give or take. Don't think for a minute that I would want this old life back (especially, you, Andy, if you're reading this), because any person who would put up a front like that is not worthy of my time. I was real and raw cut and I think he felt inferior in some way that I cannot explain. My only suggestion is because one of his best friends had pulled a trigger on himself only months before. I'm not here to play "what if", but that is how my mind was last year. I would sit for hours wondering "What the hell is wrong with me?" I resorted to pharmaceutical drugs such as Seraquil because the free clinic downtown said I "portrayed the essence of one with bipolar disorder". They were very very wrong. Upon closer research by a mental health professional, I actually am more borderline and histrionic than anything else. The difference between the two is bipolar is months of ups and downs. Borderline is second to second ups and downs. I do not know what my mood will be in 2 seconds. Okay, 2 seconds passed. I am thinking about how bad I did on my final, but I still passed my A+ certification class with a "C" and am quite sad. Now I'm thinking about the potential I have as an individual despite my flaws and feel a little better, but where is that outlet? Perhaps I am too hard on myself.
When I was on the Seraquil, I blacked out for periods at a time and remember going to work not remembering how to count money, colors were INSANELY vivid, and all while I felt like I just wanted to pass out, cry, or hit someone. It took me 30 minutes to find my keys one day to go to work (I was an hour late). I also berated my closest friend at the time, Ellie. I found out later that I told her " don't ****ing call my house to snitch to my parents about my meds!" She still doesn't buy it. No one does. It ruined that period of my life for me. Everyone around me was so worried that I was going to do something. In December of 2009, I tried to roll my car. I left work early in a fit of tears. Not only had he broken up with me, but he had invited me out to his aunt's house while she was on vacation. I slept over that night and he claims he was too "looped out on allergy meds" to remember and quickly regretted that rendevous. People think it was just about that. It was a major factor, but it wasn't only that. It was about the whole succession of events leading from the move back to LA, the stress from getting my heart torn into pieces by a guy I would have done anything for. The only plan was death.
I called and texted everyone I knew and said my farewells. I had over 15 missed calls and about 30 texts from people asking what I meant. Some came later, of course. I did not roll my car. Instead, I drove it off a road and landed near a cornfield in a snowbank just past Harrisburg. Many people stopped to ask if I was alright and if I needed someone to call AAA. I sat there for a long period of time bawling and shaking. Then the call came from Andy, my love. He was the only one call I answered. Everyone else was just static (you mean the world to me now). He had proven his loyalty over the past few months. He was and IS still my best friend and great love.
Andy and Matt, his brother, came and waited with me until the tow truck arrived. I made Andy cry and he said never to do anything so stupid again. So far so good.
Then another thing happened. EXACTLY a week later...no more, no less...one of my co-workers was killed in a car accident. She was really sweet and I feel like I placed a bad omen over something. As to what, I do not know. I hate to sleep alone at night. I have to have blankets over my head to keep out shadows. I feel like a child.
I guess the point of this whole story is that these were all the major stressors from that point on. A lot of toxins have entered by body and I believe pharmaceuticals for depression are just fluff. It takes a chiropractor to adjust your body to its proper curvature to release choked nerve function. That is why we get depressed in the first place. The aches in our bodies scream out when we don't take care of it.
That is why it is SO important for me to eat healthy and become buddies with my Chiropractor, Dr. Ben Rall and his staff: Kim, Melissa and formerly, Angela, who I plan to meet with shortly to hang out with. I am not sure where my future is headed.
Other than that, I am looking forward to the cantaloupe for lunch and the chicken with tomatoes for dinner. I have an hour to get ready for class.
I am not sure if this story made any sense, but feel free to ask questions on here or facebook. If you are going through/went through the same thing, you are not alone. You are never alone. It took all of my focus to write this, but it's finally out.
Don't type anything if you have anything negative to say. I really worked hard to be where I am at this moment. I love my life now. I am finally basking in the moment.
-Lindsey Dickey
Saturday, November 20, 2010
First Day-Andrea
Okay, So I haven't blogged in years, and never seriously. But my dear roommate came up with this idea, and I figured, "why not?"
So to begin, well I suppose the story behind it would be helpful. In May, my sister in law had a graduation I attended. I have never been fond of being in front of a camera, but when it comes to family, I don't argue. It's a give and take I suppose. I take pictures of them, so of course I must allow them their fun of taking some of me.
I have discovered mirrors lie. I have always been overweight, and for the past few years I kept thinking, I'll do something about it, eventually. When I would get ready for the day, the mirror, though not my favorite, still hid the fact I had become very unhealthy. It was at the graduation, when I looked upon pictures my aunt had taken, that reality hit me. Eventually needs to be now.
June came around with a new roommate (not Lindsey at this point). I personally like to cook, and have perfected the recipes I favored growing up. But I was getting bored with the same old, same old, and when I didn't feel like cooking, I would get something quick and easy. Sometimes this would be going out to eat, fast food, or microwavable junk. When Breanna moved in, we agreed to try something new together.
On a day off, I decided to look up recipes and food plans. What was healthy. I had heard people talk about detoxing the system, i had heard people talk about how healthy organic and natural food was, I had heard people say how bad everything, or most everything was from the store. The prospect of eating healthy (nasty) food, wasn't appealing. But there had to be a way.
After spending all day on the couch, researching. I found a video that stated three main principles I knew, just hadn't thought about. It also went into detail about specific foods and why they were healthy or unhealthy. I then looked up recipes, and mapped out when I ate and why. I found that I ate when I was really hungry or bored. In both scenarios I didn't want to spend time cooking. So to solve that issue, I pre-made meals for a week and put them in the freezer as well as boiled a dozen eggs. When hunger gnawed at me, I ate an egg and cooked. I drank water and nothing else for a week and then started slowly drinking tea again. Instead of sugar substitutes I got organic and natural sugar from the Co-op, along with honey and agave nectar. I stopped eating anything processed when it was in my control and made everything. I started all this when I was 252lbs.
It is now Nov and I weigh in at 215. For the past month and a half I have stayed in between 210 and 220. I knew my plateau would come, and I don't like it. I have fallen off the wagon and eaten junk, (primarily when the monthly curse of women surfaces) but I always get back on. I haven't really gotten into exercising, giving myself a plethora of excuses.
This all leads me to now, the end of the first day and the beginning of the second. My friend Jennie, from Washington, heard from several of her co-workers about a food plan they followed for four days. It's a specific menu that needs to be followed to the letter. What it does is boosts the metabolism. The foods you eat cancel each other out and requires your body you used the calories/energy pre-stored in your body (i.e. fat) for energy, while also providing you with protein, vitamins, and fiber. Each lady lost anywhere between 10-20 lbs in that four day period. When it was over, a month later Jennie heard them talking about it, they had kept the weight off. It wasn't just water weight.
Now when I hear things like this, I am very skeptical. There are so many scams out there that just want you to spend money. What's different about this, is everything on the menu comes straight from the super market. Jennie wanted me to do this with her, and for various reasons neither of us has tried it yet. I woke up two mornings ago and realized I was again slipping back into excuses. So to jump start my previous healthy eating life style, I decided to try this out.
The first day wasn't bad. I wasn't hungry, and the few times I was and it wasn't time to eat the next course, a simple glass of water or tea sufficed. When I went to bed, I was content. The challenge comes when the invites to join others for coffee or dinner come up. The thing I cling to is, this is only four days, and I have only three left. Cookies are great, so are cakes, and mocha's and everything else. But once I have splurged and given in, it last only a few minutes, and once the item consumed is gone I realize I didn't follow the plan. Keeping this in mind, I was able to resist, sipping on water and tea. And at the end of 4 days, if I have not received the results others have, well it was only four days and I can still figure out how to move forward.
Another thing to keep in mind is the question, "Why do I want to lose weight?" It used to be a very vain reason. And in all honesty, there is still some vanity in there, however, I have come to love who I am, and I have come to discover what things I love to do that give me the greatest joy. I am an active girl. That is challenging when a small hike up the street with a friend leaves you breathless. Another is simply, I want to be healthy. I don't like the side effects of being overweight, the physical, the mental, and the emotional.
So for others trying to go down this road, Keep on keeping on. It is worth it, it is possible, and it doesn't have to be painful. Healthy food CAN be tasty, and you don't have to feel guilty when eating. It's become a fun thing to do between friends and I. We cook a unique, tasty, HEALTHY meal and talk about it. How we can improve it, what we like or dislike.
With this, I must head to work.
Happy Cooking!!!
Andrea
So to begin, well I suppose the story behind it would be helpful. In May, my sister in law had a graduation I attended. I have never been fond of being in front of a camera, but when it comes to family, I don't argue. It's a give and take I suppose. I take pictures of them, so of course I must allow them their fun of taking some of me.
I have discovered mirrors lie. I have always been overweight, and for the past few years I kept thinking, I'll do something about it, eventually. When I would get ready for the day, the mirror, though not my favorite, still hid the fact I had become very unhealthy. It was at the graduation, when I looked upon pictures my aunt had taken, that reality hit me. Eventually needs to be now.
June came around with a new roommate (not Lindsey at this point). I personally like to cook, and have perfected the recipes I favored growing up. But I was getting bored with the same old, same old, and when I didn't feel like cooking, I would get something quick and easy. Sometimes this would be going out to eat, fast food, or microwavable junk. When Breanna moved in, we agreed to try something new together.
On a day off, I decided to look up recipes and food plans. What was healthy. I had heard people talk about detoxing the system, i had heard people talk about how healthy organic and natural food was, I had heard people say how bad everything, or most everything was from the store. The prospect of eating healthy (nasty) food, wasn't appealing. But there had to be a way.
After spending all day on the couch, researching. I found a video that stated three main principles I knew, just hadn't thought about. It also went into detail about specific foods and why they were healthy or unhealthy. I then looked up recipes, and mapped out when I ate and why. I found that I ate when I was really hungry or bored. In both scenarios I didn't want to spend time cooking. So to solve that issue, I pre-made meals for a week and put them in the freezer as well as boiled a dozen eggs. When hunger gnawed at me, I ate an egg and cooked. I drank water and nothing else for a week and then started slowly drinking tea again. Instead of sugar substitutes I got organic and natural sugar from the Co-op, along with honey and agave nectar. I stopped eating anything processed when it was in my control and made everything. I started all this when I was 252lbs.
It is now Nov and I weigh in at 215. For the past month and a half I have stayed in between 210 and 220. I knew my plateau would come, and I don't like it. I have fallen off the wagon and eaten junk, (primarily when the monthly curse of women surfaces) but I always get back on. I haven't really gotten into exercising, giving myself a plethora of excuses.
This all leads me to now, the end of the first day and the beginning of the second. My friend Jennie, from Washington, heard from several of her co-workers about a food plan they followed for four days. It's a specific menu that needs to be followed to the letter. What it does is boosts the metabolism. The foods you eat cancel each other out and requires your body you used the calories/energy pre-stored in your body (i.e. fat) for energy, while also providing you with protein, vitamins, and fiber. Each lady lost anywhere between 10-20 lbs in that four day period. When it was over, a month later Jennie heard them talking about it, they had kept the weight off. It wasn't just water weight.
Now when I hear things like this, I am very skeptical. There are so many scams out there that just want you to spend money. What's different about this, is everything on the menu comes straight from the super market. Jennie wanted me to do this with her, and for various reasons neither of us has tried it yet. I woke up two mornings ago and realized I was again slipping back into excuses. So to jump start my previous healthy eating life style, I decided to try this out.
The first day wasn't bad. I wasn't hungry, and the few times I was and it wasn't time to eat the next course, a simple glass of water or tea sufficed. When I went to bed, I was content. The challenge comes when the invites to join others for coffee or dinner come up. The thing I cling to is, this is only four days, and I have only three left. Cookies are great, so are cakes, and mocha's and everything else. But once I have splurged and given in, it last only a few minutes, and once the item consumed is gone I realize I didn't follow the plan. Keeping this in mind, I was able to resist, sipping on water and tea. And at the end of 4 days, if I have not received the results others have, well it was only four days and I can still figure out how to move forward.
Another thing to keep in mind is the question, "Why do I want to lose weight?" It used to be a very vain reason. And in all honesty, there is still some vanity in there, however, I have come to love who I am, and I have come to discover what things I love to do that give me the greatest joy. I am an active girl. That is challenging when a small hike up the street with a friend leaves you breathless. Another is simply, I want to be healthy. I don't like the side effects of being overweight, the physical, the mental, and the emotional.
So for others trying to go down this road, Keep on keeping on. It is worth it, it is possible, and it doesn't have to be painful. Healthy food CAN be tasty, and you don't have to feel guilty when eating. It's become a fun thing to do between friends and I. We cook a unique, tasty, HEALTHY meal and talk about it. How we can improve it, what we like or dislike.
With this, I must head to work.
Happy Cooking!!!
Andrea
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